Mother

Monday, mother suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke at around 11 and was dead by about 2:30.

She had been having severe muscle spasms in her back, and I'd put her back to bed. I'd gone out to have lunch which was part of our regular procedure. I received a call from the phych nurse who visits once a week who said mother was unresponsive. She in turn called the regular nurse, and I headed home. By the time I got there, she was being loaded into an ambulance.

When I got to the hospital, they said she was not there yet. But then someone appeared at the door and said she was. The first thing the doctor asked was what her wishes, and I indicated she did not want to be resuscitated.

It was obvious that she was totally unresponsive and within minutes they took her way for a CAT. The neurosurgeon showed me the CAT scan results and said for all practical purposes, it was inoperable. And at most she would have 24 hours.

I was asked if there was a living will; I knew there was but it was not on file. I left immediately to get it and the power of attorney. By the time I returned, they rushed me back to her room and said her time was very short.

Her breathing became very labored, and her color turned chalky pale. Within about 20 minutes, her breathing stopped and she was gone.

Last night, I slept very fitfully. So this morning, I knew the only way I could make it through the day was with a combinaton of clonazepam and xanax. Which worked fine until lunch at which point I was exhausted. The people at her church had prepared lunch, but I was only able to stay for about helf of it.

Since she had returned home in September, she was indifferent to everthing. She didn't watch tv, because she has truble with the remote. At one point, I'd bought her a set of simple jigsaw puzzles, but these no longer held her interest. She did seem to enjoy the cats.

The last several weeks, her back pain was so bad that I had to get up at night to help her back to bed. Which left me very, very tired.

At the moment I feel numb. But I'm thankful, her departure was brief.

If paradise there be, I know she is there.

PAX