Moving Mother; Panic Attacks

Mother has moved from the hospital to a nearby nursing home to undergo therapy.

Last Thursday, the doctor called and left a message about the need for her to be in a home. Which sent me into an absolute panic because of the expense. It was only after talking with the social worker that I remembered that Medicare pays 100% for up to 20 days in a home as long as the person is undergoing therapy.

When I went to visit her at the hospital she was far more alert than she had been since entering. This told me that her potassium levels were much better since a few days before she had been very unresponsive.

Just as I was headed out the door for lunch today, I got a call from the social worker asking if I could have her moved by 2 pm. It was only by sheer luck that I was up and dressed for earlier I'd thought about not going out. Since this is my third time to go through the admission process, I knew what to expect. Essentially, I scribbled my signature and initials to about 25 pieces of paper.

My initial impression of the home was very positive. It's bright and pleasant looking. She has a fair sized, semi-private room on the second floor.

I cut my initial visit short for reasons explained below.

I'd had something similiar happen when I moved. I was trying to get everything settled and became terrified that everything would go wrong. I became so upset that I went to the emergency room in tears. But none of the tests they did showed anything wrong.

This time I went to the clinic and was able to see the doctor very quickly. Both he and the nurse said they had family members who suffered from attacks, so they knew how scary an attack can be.

Severe panic attacks are hard to describe. Basically, you feel as if you're possessed by some alien life form who has taken control. You genuinely think that nothing could be worse.

Not to overdo my affinity for Harry Potter, but panic attacks remind me of a scene in "The Prisoner of Azkaban" in which Harry, Ron and Hermione encounter dementors on the train to Hogwarts. Ron says after the encounter, "I felt weird ... Like I'd never be cheerful again..."

The doctor gave me a prescription for Xanax and said to let one melt under my tongue after I got home. Then to take three a day for a week. I rushed by Walgreens and pleaded for quick service and was out within about 10 minutes. Once home, I used the first one and felt slighly less frazzled. Then around 10 pm, I took a second. Within about 30 minutes, I fell asleep and slept most of Sunday. Today I was able to make the trip to the hospital and to the nursing home, but I could tell I was overdoing it. As soon as I got home I went to sleep again.

This evening I feel wonderfully rested. But I still feel slightly drained.

I've mentioned before about having very strong memories of what I now know to be panic attacks from a very early age. And I also now realize what a terrible impact they've had on my existence.

PAX!