Ramble

Last time I had bronchitis. Which of course, got worse. I went into work on Wednesday morning, 11th, but by noon I could barely stand up. Back to the clinic I went. The doctor was as puzzled as I was. He did a chest x-ray which was ok. He gave me a new set of antibiotics and changed the decongestants. I know that the major problem is that the upper respiratory infections are feeding off of the depression which in turn is feeding off of the infections.

From the beginning, the lease amount of extertion bought on fever and a headache. And the only remedy was to go to bed.

I tried working whenever I could from home. There's a process in place whenever I do in which I indicate what I'm doing and when I'm finished what I've accomplished. The "privilege" came about last year when I made a request for "reasonable accomodation" under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

First off as a matter of principle, the agency didn't want to do it. Second, they said it was a security risk. Third, it would be too expensive. All of which were crap. And they still don't understand the process. The assumption is that ANYTIME I'm sick, I'M supposed to work from home. And when I don't, I'm not leaving up to my end of the "bargain." The was another side to the agreement that said the agency would attempt to find a back up. Well, that flatly has not happened. Not one thing has happened.

But to me honest the people involved have such a low level understanding of the web that the least explanation confused them. And I'm tired of trying to explain it.

There is no sense of concern at work. No one asks how I am or how's mother. It always some bitch about the web page.

At the same time, the clinial depression has significantly deteriorated. To the point, that I hope I'll inadvertenly take too many sleeping pills or muscle relaxants of pain pills that will be the end.

I've been trying to deal with mother, mother's financial situation, her house and car, my house and car, my financial situation, so that I'm emotionally and physically depleated.

A few minutes ago, I thought of how very much I miss Grae, my beloved kitty, who died in March. I had a chance to have him cremated and the ashes returned. I now wish I'd done that.

Essentially life my life is a mess. Something has to go. In this case, I've made a decision to resign and seek the lump sum amount. Or possibly, retire and take the monthly pension. The lump sum is signficiant since it reflects 28 years of contributions. But that may not be the way to go. And I wish the monthly amounts were more.

Mother has asked to return home. And I want to honor her wish. So I'm going to move into her house. I've already started moving. I will sell my current home with its many physical problems to a house broker. The main thing is to get rid of it, so that I don't have to pay the monthly amount.

One very bright point is that mother has made a dramatic improvement. She's lucid, animated, mobile and the most active she has been since she fell. Although Medicaid provides much, it unfortunately freezes any monthly income. So I've taked with mother, and we're going to stop the application process.

As positive as I try to be when I go to the nursing home, most of the people there are waiting to die. They lead a very limited live. And I want to give mother something more than that.

Lastly, I want some tiny bit of emotional stability back in my life.

PAX!