An Odd Meeting; A Restful Weekend

Saturday afternoon, I wandered off to Barnes and Noble to see what I could see. B&N always seems cruisy. Maybe it's the selection of gay and lesbian mags they have. Or the g&l section of books. Or the g&l collections of erotic fiction. Or it could even be the number of g&l books in the literature and mystery sections.

So whenever I visit, I move my gaydar up a notch. I circled over to the magazine racks and picked up copies of "Attitude" and "AXM." As I was slothfully headed back to the front, I spotted a couple. Two 30ish guys, both good looking in an aging boy-next-door kind of way. One was leaning into the other in a quasi-intimate manner. And both were very casually dressed.

The gaydar alarm started making klaxon sounds, and some inner voice was screaming "Hi, sailors!" Then I realized I knew one of them. In fact, he was an executive with a company of which my employer was a client.

From the first time I met him, I thought he was very studly. And I had many chances to talk with him over a period of several years. I'd discovered he was recently divorced from his second wife and was in the process of re-marrying. And shortly thereafter he did.

During this period, there were occasions that something seemed off. One of those undefinable vibes that registed at a subliminal level. But I couldn't pin it down.

About a year later, someone told me he was in the process of what was turning out to be a very messy divorce. The person who relayed the story said she hardly knew him and was aghast that he revealed so much to a stranger. My diplomatic response was that he sounded like someone in need of help.

Several more months drifted by, then I heard he was no longer with the same company. Then I got a call from a friend asking if I had heard that he had been fired. Fired because he tried to get access to confidential material held by his former employer about the discussions between his former wife and her attorney. Yikes!

There had been a number of times when I wondered if he could be struggling with gay denial. It's not unusal. And such individuals are in a great deal of pain.

My conjecture may be based on circumstantial evidence, but it is curious that he so openly discussed his marriage to virtual strangers. The key point being his almost constant announcements of a relationships with a member of the opposite gender.

One of life's oddities. By the way, the friend was younger, wore flip-flops and was adorably cute. This did not appear to be a business meeting.

The weekend has been very restful. I'm not one of those people who has to have every second planned. I do whatever chores need doing, then improvise from thereon.

Amazing the number of gay journals I read in which the weekend is scripted like the invasion of Iraq. Then I'll read how the person is feeling stressed out. I'm convinced that some of this is a defense mechanism for dealing with depression.

It certainly sounds like my life some years ago. Rush, rush, rush. A maddening compulsion to do things. Wipe, polish, dush, clean. Everything had to be just so. When I finished I go shopping, in and out of a dozen stores. Buying stuff as part of the ritual act of purchase. Charge, charge, charge! Neither brain nor body was ever at rest.

At one point, another gay journaler talked of his severe obsessive compulsive behavior. He spoke of having to check the paper towels in his kitchen cabinet, and when he'd wake in the night, he would check again. He sought help and was given drugs, but he responded badly to them and began to experience memory lapses. One morning, he realized he was wandering the street outside his apartment in freezing weather in his underwear. He called a friend who got him to the hospital. From there the writer was able to seek help. Alas, the writter no longer keeps a blog.

So many ways we have to delude ourselves. Tricks we play against ourselves. Charades on a psychic stage. Attempting to satisfy the "neural itch."

PAX!