Collapse into an inert mass; a teen's suicide; Robin and Scott

At last, I'm able to sit and not do too much.

The cats, as usual woke me at 5 insisting that is was time for breakfast. I got up, bumbled my way to the kitchen and split two cans of "sliced beef in gravy banquet" into five bowls. While they were preoccupied, I returned to bed and actually went back to sleep.

So at 7, I was up and about and out the door. Off to get my two butter biscuits and large coke - not part of any nutritional breakfast. Onward to work - I owe, I owe. I drive by the building under construction in the complex where I work. I always feel like I'm going to be run over. Park. Meander toward my humble office. At least I have a window, grime-encrusted as it may be. I water my peace lily. (A truly remarkable plant that is magnificent. I've named it Marlene in honor of Dietrich. When I inherited the plant, I immediately thought of a photo of Marlene from the 30s in which she is wearing a hat that has a lily in it.)

At lunch I needed to come home to change shirts. I'd started the day with a thin sweatshirt under my regular shirt. I was hoping to avoid being cold as I was yesterday. But by 10, I was hot. Then to the post office. To lunch. A return to work.

I wound up working late. Around 5:30, I left and headed for the grocery store. Next the ATM. Then the drug store to renew a prescription. Which was exactly what about 30 other people were also doing. I plopped into a chair and watched the ebb and flow of customers. I glomed onto a guy in baggy white cargo pants, a blue denim shirt, brown trainers; with longish black hair and wearing oval glasses. He had that quasi-vulnerable slender look I so love. I found myself looking at his butt and wanting to have sex with him. Then I caught myself and wondered what in the world I was doing. Of course, I didn't do anything. I thought of tripping him but that would have been a tad obvious. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me help you up. Want come to my place and engage in unnatural acts?"

At 6:45 I finally arrived home again. Lugged in the groceries. Listened to a phone message from a debt consolidation company. Tried to call my mother. Line was busy. The cats were by now engaging in a yodeling contest. I feed them. Brought in other crap from the car. Bolted the door. Took off all my clothes. Make the bed. Answered a call from a friend. Scooped cat litter. Called momsy again. Slapped a small frozen quiche into the microwave. Moved cats off the couch and collapsed into an inert mass.

That's what I meant by at last being able to sit and not do too much.

I most definitely know I could be wrong. That he may not have been gay. But it's the first thing I think of when I hear of an "unexplainable" suicide.

On that note, I want to quote what I think is a wonderful sensitive passage from "The World of Normal Boys." Robin and Scott have run off to New York City from the wilds of New Jersey. Have done some drugs. Wandered around. And Robin has reluctantly had sex with an older guy to get money to get them back home. Robin calls home, and his parents are furious with him.

"Scott is at his side, his voice gentle. 'Just ignore them, man. Just ignore their bogus shit.' Scott drops an arm across his shoulders. Robin curls into his chest and lets a couple of tears spill out, and after a few moments, Scott wraps his other arm around him and holds him while he shakes.

They stand like that for a minute, maybe two, until Robin forms an image of himself lost in the center of an enormous steel maze. He pushes away from Scott, and the city's clamor roars up. He does not want to cry on the street. ...he thinks he hasn't the slightest idea how to make his way through this city and all of its traps. Scott's face questions him, almost tednerly; he guesses that Scott is scared, too.

The inside of the bus in shadow on shadow, only the filmiest orange light seeping in from the road outside. Scott has insisted that Robin wear his zip-up sweatjacket to stay warm, and Robin returns the favor by pulling Scott close to him, coaxing him to sleep. Robin's arm has gone numb, but he does not shake Scott's head from his shoulder."

PAX!