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contours provocations
journal - 2003-0117 - fri 2100 Work! Emotional Depletion; "Pansy Tribe" It is cold! Not chilly! Not slightly cool! Cold! Brrrr! Feeling the temp is a matter of acclimation. Here the temp is a constant yo-yo. Up, down, down, up, etc. You never have the chance to get accustomed to the cold. So when it does hit, it feels really nasty. Yesterday, the sun never appeared. And the clouds were the color of steel wool. Fat, mushy ones that seemed to be slowly sinking. Today was cloudless, but colder with a blustery, sharp wind. I rarely mention work here for any number of reasons. Something happened at work today that gives me no pleasure. I've been dealing with a situation for months involving a refusal to address certain issues. Many of the issues directly impact my effectiveness. And I've mentioned the problems to management and the appropriate individuals to no avail. Today there was a meeting in which management said that the issues would now be addressed. The individuals involved reacted with expected hostility and defensiveness. Two thoughts crossed my mind: first, the impasse should have been dealt with long ago by management; second, the referenced individuals should have been more pro-active. It also make me feel that no one was listening to what I had to say. In other words, it was a no win situation for all parties. I'm at a loss as to what you do when you know what you're saying is valid, but no one wants to hear it. And you know it will come back to haunt. To quote something I just made up, "When chickens come home to roost, they don't always lay eggs." Earlier in the week, I contacted my doctor for a refill on my antidepressant. The nice nurse said the doctor was no longer calling in refills. I'd have to come pick up a new prescription, and there would be a charge. I can see the not calling in, but I was slightly perplexed by the charge. I stop by at lunch, paid the charge, got the prescription and trotted off to the druggist. The druggists were very busy. So I sat and waited. A woman came in to fill a prescription for her husband. "Shouldn't he get a senior citizen's discount. He's 85 and can remember where his underwear is half the time." Finally, my name was called. And the clerk indicated the cost, which was a figure about triple what I normally pay. I'd not thought about the fact that this was a new calendar year, so co-payments and deductibles start afresh. I then gave her a credit card and held my breath since I was not sure if the amount would put me over the credit limit. But it was ok. On another front, I had to juggle money from a shared bank account to my personal bank account to be able to pay some bills. And it always causes problems. But the bills have to be paid. So this always makes me uneasy, at the least. Yet, I don't know what to do. So this evening I spent an hour balancing the check book and hoping there was enough to cover everything already written. And enough to cover a couple more checks that have to be sent. I concluded if I eat peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of the month, I can make it. All this "stuff" takes its toll on my already depeleted emotional reserve. And I feel trapped: financially and emotionally. And you've been reading any of my rantings for the last year, you'll notice my social life is semi-nil. I'm either sick or too poor to afford to do anything. Ok! Ok! Enough complaining. On a web note. The other evening, the term "pansy tribe" came to mind. It's a term that I've always found endearing. And I mentioned it in a posting a couple of years ago. But I don't remember where I first heard it. It does have sort of an English ring to it. To see what I could discover, I entered it into Google. But only three selections appeared. Two were in reference to the flower. Mine was the one and only queer reference. How bizarre! PAX!
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