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contours provocations
journal - 2002-1112 - tue 2100 Car Wheels on Gravel; Weeping; A Slow Greek Dance One of those blissful moments when the world consists of tiny sounds in the night. On my right arm, a large gray cat purrs madly like some organic dynamo. The mummer of traffic from the Interstate slips across the window sill. From the bath comes the sound of dripping water. And now and again, there's a creak of expanding metal from the floor furnace. Car wheels crunch across gravel. The distant fading roar of a jet. My brain chemicals are out of whack. Possibly because of the lingering sinus infection. And some continual sense of emotional fatigue. I was in tears at the end of "Buffy." Then I watched "Smallville," and again I wept. After that I felt a compulsion to listen to the Beatle's "Eleanor Rigby." Yet, again, the tears flowed. Today was my fourth day to take Biaxin. The metallic taste is relentless. I've spent a couple hours on the web trying to find an antidote with little success. Ice cream seems to relieve the problem for an hour or so. On the other hand, this is the first evening in several weeks that I've not had a low-grade fever. A couple of nights ago, when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, I plopped on the couch and turned on the telly. And encountered one of the most extraordinary films I've seen. "Head On" - the story of a 19-year-old Greek man in Australia. Who happens to be gay. The family of course expects the traditions to be respected. Sex for him is an act of aggression. He is offered love but violently rejects it. It's almost as if he revels in his confusion. As I watched, I kept thinking of how many gay men face similiar situations. Constantly bombarded by conflicting forces. Sexual renegade. Your primary thought is to dull the pain by any means - sex, drugs, belligerence, bravado. There's an episodic quality to the film that reminded me of Fellini's masterwork "La Dolce Vita." The youth encounters options but none prove satisfying. So many of Fellini's films end at the water - ocean, lake, river, sea. And it just occurred to me so does "Head On." The final shot is of the youth on a dock slowly twirling in one of those ancient Greek dances. PAX!
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