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contours provocations
journal - 2001-0705 - thu 2100 Babble Sigh!!!!!! I've been darting about all day! Since 7 this am. How can this be? Rush! Rush! Rush! I didn't update Tuesday. But at this point I don't remember Tuesday. Yesterday. I took my mother to lunch. She lives in one direction, so I pick her up, and we go 15 miles to eat in another direction. Then I repeat the process in reverse. She's at that age that all her friends and siblings have health problems. And they have a tendency to share their problems with each other. So soon that becomes their entire world. So I can almost be assured that I'll hear about death, hospital stays, surgery and major aliments. I try to be as upbeat as possible with her, but I feel I'm on stage. So it becomes very draining. I've been trying to nudge her in the directions of breaking the cycle, and to some degree it has worked. I certainly don't think this "closed world syndrome" is unique to her age bracket. My guess is that everyone faces it, and it may be inherent in all groups. I had lunch at one of my usual haunts today. The tall server with floppy hair greeted me at the door as I came in What a nice guy he is. And I get the impression it's more than just the fact that I'm such a steady customer. He's simply a nice guy. As is the manager. And several other servers. There is something about this situation that is slightly surreal. Almost as if the cutomer me is a mirage. And that when they greet or hail me, they're really addressing someone else. It seems to run counter to the image of bemused disinterest I try to project. As I've indicated before, I definitely think of some of the servers in a sexual context. The tall server with floppy hair is an example. As is the manager. BUT I also know both are straight. And they have no idea I'm gay. Or at least I don't think so. The manager might have an inkling. Anytime I feel I've built a certain rapport with an individual, I'll tell them I'm gay. I've also come to realize this can be disconcerting for the other party. And I'm not really sure why I feel compelled to do it. Of course, I don't babble to everbody. And I also know that in this area, there is a certain danger to being too open. Speaking of babbling, I think I need to stop! PAX!
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