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contours provocations
journal - 2001-0622 - fri 2100 This; That; More or Less More of This; No More Than Less of That Another one of those days that has zoomed along since 6 this morning. The whole week has been like that; the day would start early and go on and on. At last, I'm able to sit and relax a bit. Last night I meandered over to gay.com. I've been there before but was disappointed in it. Way too many ads to wade through. I tried the chat rooms but never could find anything local. By accident I discovered that my state is not in the southeast section but in the central section. I also figured out you more or less need an identity according to what you're interested in. One for romance; one for LTR; one for leather; etc. I need to go back and wander around some more. Chat rooms and cyber sex are an interesting phenomena. You can be who you want to be. The mild-mannered accountant can be a dungeon master. And the construction worker can be a timid choir boy. But I have no idea what I want to be. Some variant of B/D might hold appeal. Several times today, I felt disconnected. Not particularly an unusual sensation for me. Just that I was more conscious of it than normal. Even sitting in meetings, I feel at odds with what is going on around me. One of the reasons I don't go out to the gay bars is this sense of disconnectedness. Instead of being among my own and feeling more connected, I feel overwhelmingly disconnected. And that's possibly one reason I became disinterested in Anglicanism: I never felt a part of it. And on those rare occasions when I feel united, it is always short-lived. And I quickly am overrun by a sensation of lingering doubt. As though I realize I'm seeing something that is not there. That I've made a fool of myself. I saw the server from last Friday again today. And he was as yummy now as then. But this time I noticed a wedding band. For some reason, I always assume male servers are unattached. Quote from Boy George in the July 3 issue of "The Advocate," "I hate that Eminem is allowed to spout antigay propaganda, and ... I hate the fact that I find Eminem sexualy attractive." I was having trouble with Real Player this morning and visited their web site. An option for viewing was a publicity party at Cannes for "Lord of the Rings." Elijah Woods as Frodo is a great match. But Ian McKellen as Gandalf is perfect. Enough. Fatigue sets in. PAX!
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