Older Children and Adults
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
thanks Annette!
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up"during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
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A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, "Harold?" The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church.You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
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And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into Silence,and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!
=============================================================One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
============================================================A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night."Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
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A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess." =============================================================
>A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!
=============================================================A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me." =============================================================
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am!"
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on,
"because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
sent to me by a friend
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth.
He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important, of course.
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.
I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."
--Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California.
sent by Annette..thanks!
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
History of the World
(various lines culled from student papers)
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree, Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot . Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns --Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.
Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
In the Middle Ages, King Herod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc wwas canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provied that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through and apple while stading on his son's head.
In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
Thanks for sending these Annette!
Bloopers found in church bulletins
Thanks to James Hunt
1. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.............................................................!
2. Don't let worry kill you... let the church help.
3. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
4. Potluck supper: Prayer and Meditation to follow.
5. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. Low self esteem support group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8 p.m. Please use the back door.
7. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
9. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
10. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Thanks James Hewitt
They've Lost God !
One day... a set of parents had two boys that were constantly in trouble..
As they had arrived at church one Sunday..
.the parents decided to talk to the minister to see if he would have
any suggestions as to what to do about the two boys...
and how to handle their bad behavior.
He suggested that they bring them over to his house ...
and that he would straighten them out.So the next day the two boys arrived at the minister's house.
Upon arrival,the minister started out by separating the two boys
thus placing one outside the room while he started on the first.The minister started out by asking the little boy if he knew where God was.
The boy immediately dropped his head down... afraid to look up.The minister preceded to ask again..."Do you know where God is?"
But... after the third time of being asked, the bay ran out of the room
yelling at his other brother..."Run!! They've lost God and their blaming US!!!"
The New Pastor
Pastor Jim was called to serve a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonia, Texas.
He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio.
He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening
with his deacons."Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by
meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungie jumping
and I felt it would be nice to have fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump
and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the
Medina River. Once they arrived,the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a
reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and
I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped.
As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts.
Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and
again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose. As Pastor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached
out and grabbed him.When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "What is a Pinata?"
The Plaque
One
Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Tommy standing in the foyer of the
church staring at the large plaque
for some time, so the pastor walked up and
stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good Morning,
son."
"Good Morning, pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. " Sir, what is this?" Tommy asked.
"Well
son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up
at the large plaque.
Little Tommy's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
The Voice From Heaven
The
church steeple in Port Gibson is very high, and was being painted on a rather
hot day. The painter was about
half-way down,and as the steeple was widening
out,it was taking more and more paint. The painter felt that he might not have
enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make
another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the
amount of paint by adding
some paint thinner to it.
When
finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he
looked up to see the results of his work
and noted that the area with the
thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do
about it when
the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud
thunderclap, Then in a loud,booming voice from the sky came the
words,
REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!
(the following two jokes where sent to me by James Hewitt..) Thank you James..
The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying,"Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Humph... I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, " You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was... She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
The Gas Men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. as they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down, paper was stationary, Flourescent tubing was dimmed in light trading, Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market, Pencils lost a few points, Hiking equipment was trailing, Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Light switches were off, Mining equipment hit rock bottom, Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even level . The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled, Caterpillar stock inched up a bit, Sun peaked at midday, Balloon prices were inflated, Scott tissues touched a new bottom, and Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Smarter Than You Think...